How did the swatting practice go this past week? Did your pages light up like a Christmas tree, or are you on the right track in keeping your character’s identity intact? If you are just joining us or want a refresher, you can pop back to the beginning of the series here:
This week, we are going to swat the Fly’s Telling POV by snipping its puppeteer strings so your main characters can take back control of their own own bodies and descriptions.
Disjointed body parts are the first sneaky way the pest tries to pull those marionette strings. This occurs when the main character’s appendages, etc., are described as if moving all on their own. Two of these descriptions I see most often are with respect to hands and eyes.
For example purposes, let’s continue with another excerpt from Dane and Kathleen (Dane having just fallen off a temperamental horse):
Kathleen bent to where he lay on the ground, and her eyes glued to his as she looked at him. “I will...on one condition.”
Dane smiled as his hand raised to push a strand of her hair behind her ear. “And what would that be?”
Now remember, Dane is our main character, so picture his description for a moment in your mind. If you were describing yourself...do you watch your hand rise all by itself without you knowing? Think about it, just sitting there while watching your own arm rise and your fingers wiggle and wave at you. Kinda freaky/creepy, right?
Your hands don’t move all by themselves ➔YOU move them. Your arms don’t float up out of nowhere to wrap around someone➔YOU physically,
purposefully raise your arms, wrap them around someone, and squeeze for a hug. YOU decide where you are going and physically lift and move your legs to walk there. These are conscious actions. Okay, maybe we don't think,
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, but we
do actively perform the movement.
Same goes for your character. The Fly POV
Tells the reader what it sees--a hand moving. Deeper POV (Deeper Point of View)
Shows the moments through your main character’s
specific experience, consciously—
actively— making the movement.
Let’s revise the above example from
Dane’s specific experience of the moment (and also adding in some revisions based on what we learned
last week):
Fly Telling:
Dane smiled as his hand raised to push a strand of her hair behind her ear. “And what would that be?”
Swatted version (Character Experience):
Damn, she’s beautiful.
He couldn’t help his lips tugging up in a grin as he fingered a silky strand of her hair. “And what would that be?”
As you can see, using stronger, active verbs helps to transform the sentence into Dane's
specific perspective of the moment.
Two quick side notes with respect to the above:
A) When the main character is describing someone else, then yes, he or she would naturally describe the
other character’s movements as “her hand reached” or “his head turned,” etc., because the main POV character is the one observing/describing the scene around them; and,
B) There are always exceptions to the rules. Certain genres such as fantasy or horror, for instance, would lend to the odd, fantastic, magical and/or horrific descriptions where main character’s body parts are moving all on their own. But even in general contemporary, there may be certain moments when the main POV character might be traumatized, stunned, or in a fog or trance-like state depending on the scene (anything from a car accident to getting unexpected news) and wherein they are not fully aware of what is going on or “on automatic pilot” so to speak because their brain can’t cope with whatever event may have just happened. Simply ensure that these areas are described as such from the main character’s perspective of the emotional event so as to validate what might be considered disjointed body parts. But again, these situation are the exception, not the norm—make sure to use them sparingly, so when they do arise the action helps further the tension rather than focuses on an odd description of your character.
Now, time to talk about those eyes.
It is a basic, physical trait that eyes can’t leave their sockets. They don’t drop, rolling down your cheeks to clunk onto the floor, or leave the face to dart around the room, or pop out, etc. And glued to another set of eyes? Ewww, gross visual! Unless you are writing a horror story, not recommended at all. “Gaze” is a more appropriate, general term to use when describing visual movement of any character, not just the main one. Plus, there are plenty of better ways to add visual description including using stronger verbs.
Fly Telling:
Kathleen bent to where he lay on the ground, and her eyes glued to his as she looked at him. “I will...on one condition.”
Swatted version:
Kathleen dropped to her haunches and studied his face, one thin, dark brow raising. “I will...on one condition.”
Speaking of visuals, the annoying Fly has another way of sneaking its own Telling POV into your manuscript by false physical descriptions of the main character...
Dane’s honey-brown eyes grew round as his mouth dropped open, and his face turned red.
General description of his surprise, right? So, how is this Fly POV you might be asking? Well, let’s try a little experiment…describe your eyes exactly as they appear in the light around you right now. No saying just the basics, either—
I know they are blue, etc.—you need to describe exactly as they appear. Right. This. Moment.
Can’t do it? Why? Ohhh, because you
can’t actually see your own eyes, can you?
Same with your main POV character—unless in front of a mirror or reflective surface, how can he or she see their own eyes, or face for that matter, to describe it?
As we discussed last week, Deeper POV is simply staying in
your character’s specific experience/perception—this includes only what they can see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or already know, etc. So, in this case, if he is not looking in a mirror then descriptions of eyes, face, facial expression, etc. shouldn't be described in visual detail.
Don't fret, though, because there are ways to get around personal descriptions by using
other sensory details instead. Even if they can’t see themselves, the main POV characters still experience the movement of the expression. Yes, "he smiled" or "she grinned" works if they are doing so purposefully, and describing the action, not the visual. But if it is more of a sudden, involuntary smile, then they can
feel their lips tug up and/or lift their cheek in an involuntary smile. He or she can also quirk their lips if it is a purposeful, twisted grin reacting to something someone else said. As for a red face, this is more often than not from embarrassment or anger, and which is caused by a sensation of an overheated neck or burning cheeks (which causes the coloration
someone else can observe on your character's face).
Another quick side note: Try hard not to actually use the words “feel/felt” to describe sensory reaction as the use is often considered passive writing. You want to ensure the sensory description is
active.
Fly Telling:
Dane’s honey-brown eyes grew round as his mouth dropped open, and his face turned red. How did she find out?
Swatted Version:
Dane gaped, his brows stretching his forehead as his cheeks heated. How did she find out?
Just out of curiosity, did anyone notice the other example of this type of description revised in the swatted version we used earlier for Dane?
Damn, she’s beautiful.
He couldn’t help his lips tugging up in a grin as he fingered a silky strand of her hair. “And what would that be?”
The above concept of what the main character can and can't see, also goes for what he or she can or can't hear--voice descriptives.
Her voice was full of frustration. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
There is that know-it-all Fly POV again, because unless the main character actually
hears the words, how can he know to describe
how they were spoken? Moving the descriptive and using stronger verbs to
convey frustration, swats that Fly and gives the moment a more dynamic draw...
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she muttered and gave his chin a hard chuck before rising.
One last, big buzz signal of Fly POV in main character descriptions is when he or she is grouped in with the masses—the women, the men, the cowboys, the ranch hands, etc. The Fly on the wall
sees a group, that's all. The main character, however, is experiencing the moment
in the group, so the observation needs to come from his or her
specific perspective from within. This also goes for the use of "they" when including the main character. They stood or they walked hand in hand, for instance. Yes, the term can be handy, especially for quick transitions, but it can also be lazy Fly Telling when overused. So whenever possible,
Show the
main character's personal experience of the moment.
Fly Telling:
They stood.
Swatted Version:
With muscles groaning their complaints far beyond his thirty-two years, Dane heaved himself to a standing position.
Similar to this is using a third party descriptive for the main POV character.
Kathleen reached out to grip the cowboy’s chin and said, “If I ride Flamin’ Jane, you marry me.”
If this was Kathleen’s POV scene, then sure, the description of Dane works.
But, this is Dane’s POV. Do you think of yourself by your occupation?
Time for the mother to pick the kids up from school. Man, the corporate assistant rocked that meeting today. LOL, probably not. So make sure descriptions are kept specific to your character's way of thinking
Fly Telling:
Kathleen reached out to grip the cowboy’s chin and said, “If I ride Flamin’ Jane, you marry me.”
Swatted Version:
Kathleen grip his chin. “If I ride Flamin’ Jane, you marry me.”
Or, using characterization descriptives for secondary characters like we talked about last week, an alternate Swatted Version might be:
Slender fingers reached out and held his chin firm. “If I ride Flamin’ Jane, you marry me.”
To sum up today’s post, don't let the Fly pull your character's strings. Swat right through them and let your main character
Show the moment through his or her
active experience.
Kathleen dropped to her haunches and studied his face, one thin, dark brow raising. “I will...on one condition.”
Damn, she’s beautiful.
He couldn’t help his lips tugging up in a grin as he fingered a silky strand of her hair. “And what would that be?”
She gripped his chin firm. “If I ride Flamin’ Jane, you marry me.”
Dane gaped, his brows stretching his forehead as his cheeks heated. How did she find out?
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she muttered and gave his chin a hard chuck before rising.
With muscles groaning their complaints far beyond his thirty-two years, Dane heaved himself to a standing position.
Pop back up and compare the very first example to this one and see how layering in Deeper POV--giving the main character the ability to
Show his or her experience--can draw the reader in to
experience the moment
with them.
Over the next week, try a quick "Find" in your manuscript for phrases such as “her hand” or “his hand” and “her eyes” or “his eyes” and “voice” or “tone” to check if the Fly is pulling the strings or not.
Be sure to join me for the final part in the series:
Demystifying Deeper POV Part Four: No-Fly Zone.
And please keep spreading the word to join us here for some good old fashion swatting practice!
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This is for YOU, because you need to hear this today...and every day.
There are colours in you that NO ONE ELSE in this whole wide world has or even knows exist…not until you show them.
I’ve always been the “rounder” one—whether next to my naturally thin sister or my friends, even years of different co-workers. It took me a very long time to start accepting myself for who I am as a whole person, not just the container I’m in. Sure, maybe I'm not at the weight I want to be, but that doesn’t mean I won't get there if and when I'm ready. But my shape has nothing to do with who I am INSIDE, how I choose to treat others, my beliefs, my passions, or my choice of friends. And it especially doesn't decide for me how smart or creative or happy I can be.
For this last part to the series, we are going to talk about REACTION.
Both sensory and physical action are used to mirror his concerned thoughts, filling out the tension of the moment, drawing the reader directly into his concern. Notice how validation for his worry isn't simply Told to the reader but rather woven into the moment through his short, yet specific, visual descriptions of the "wild chestnut mare" and "agitated beast."
And, as I’ve mentioned briefly before, remember that Deeper POV doesn’t mean adding gobs of internal detail and emotional descriptives—sometimes just a well-placed sentence or phrase, very specific to the reaction or moment, is often all that is needed.
Disjointed body parts are the first sneaky way the pest tries to pull those marionette strings. This occurs when the main character’s appendages, etc., are described as if moving all on their own. Two of these descriptions I see most often are with respect to hands and eyes.
As you can probably tell from my blog, I am a very visual person, so let’s start by breaking down these obscure terms in a more relatable way…
